Solitaire

O Allah, please show this weak creation of Yours anything that can spark her faith and confidence as well. She is feeling drowned, unworthy, suicidal, and many negative emotions. She is helpless for You are the ultimate helper

I am on the state of depression and was looking at posts about self hate. I am losing my interest in anything gradually and deeply demotivated especially about college.

My life has always been a contradiction; when I pray, the opposite happen; when I study, grades are falling; trying to be fair and honest all the time, but always got cheated and treated unjustly.

I don’t hate myself for my physical appearance, I hate me because my abilities are slowly but surely degrading. I am not capable of thinking, I now need someone to interpret the meaning of most things I read. I am not able to deliver story or speech in order (I would jump from one thing to another, confuses many), I look idiot when I speak nad nothing good ever comes from it. And I hate the idealism or value that I’m keeping.

I can’t seem to make friends, although after I show my insecurities in the social media some has tried to reach out to me, I’m very grateful for the honor of knowing such great people, but in the end I’m always alone. I never know what I did wrong, but I’m just somehow easily hated.

1. In elementary I was hated for not spreading the answers on exam

2. Still elementary, hated for liking the school’s queen bee’s crush

On this period, I got constant physical-verbal harassment and death threats. Beat up, always in fear, and always busy thinking for an excuse of why my glasses broke or why my uniform was torn.

3. Junior High, same old thing, but the queen bee didn’t need to told her army to hate me. I was automatically hated from the first day I entered school. I was too uptight, too nerdy to make friends, too awkward, too weird. My crush(es) back then always mock me and made me laughing stock every single day. I allow people to peek at my exam answer sheets.

4. My classmate made a parody of the song “My Boo” by Alicia Keys and Usher and changed the lyrics it into “Babu” (Slave). It was about how ugly and hated I am that she wishes to use my head to clean her toilet bowl.

I no longer got physical abuse, but still.. the verbal abuse

5. High school, best days of my life. It’s the only period where I don’t always have to worry and make excuse to not go to school.

There were ups and downs, and one of my high school classmates (seems like) still hates me for forcing him not to make his then girlfriend (also a classmate) cry every single afternoon because he always find ways to make her feel worthless of his mercy and love.

6. University. Didn’t get my dream faculty because Mom specifically prayed in Mecca for me to not get into med school, my dream faculty. When I found out I was furious but thankfully managed not to be angry at Mom.

7. University. managed to make some seniors and juniors hates me, for criticizing them too roughly. I admit I am crazy but not as crazy to got “rough” on them without reminding them as nice as I could. Nothing changed even after I remind them several times and finally yesterday I abuse my power as Student Representative Board Member who has absolute right to evaluate. I criticize them so much because I do know there are problems that they don’t show to public that actually harm some people. But people call me mean. If only they know what those people hide.

8. University. People change, I know. Call me old fashioned but there are no more actual genuine interaction, many people interact because they are forced to by work (mostly) or just to fill their free time and shoo boredom away. People become more opportunistic and always find things to say that contradict what they actually do. In short, hypocrisy. Ooh and I found people who uses their connection (in this case, parents) to threaten others if they speak against them.

9. How is it possible when some people speaks roughly others call it “character” but when i do its just “plain mean”, “crazy”, “bitch”.

10. Overly attached boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend. Who harassed my verbally for almost two years. She managed to gain information about my entire family, made a poll in her faculty about me “Is she pretty or ugly” and most answered by ugly (or so she said, which i’m pretty sure its true). My already low self-esteem hit rock bottom.

11. Parents officially put me on charge to sustain the family’s needs. Refuse to ask for college tuition reduction but asked me to work extra hard, take care of the household, and my sisters are allowed to enjoy their youth.

12. I fail the entire semester, I was called for each and every single remedial available. But this is the semester I actually work hard for. I have no idea why I got such result.

O Allah, i know you hear me. Please don’t allow me to fall into atheism again. My faith is paper thin right now. If my methods has been wrong all these time, show me how the right way is.

And friend, if anyone read this, especially til end, I really appreciate you. I wish you all the best but I’m afraid if i pray for you the result would be the opposite :( . If you need someone to hold on to, I will always be available, whoever you are wherever you are I will try to make time. Because I know what its like and its not pleasant at all, even “bad” isn’t enough to describe it.

“Dont worry, I hate me too. For I hate myself more than anyone could hate something”